F.A.Q.s

Q. Is pirateology for everyone?

A. Yes, yes it is.

Q. Are you sure?

A. YES! Just send money now!

Q. Why is it called a church if it's non-religious?

A. The word “church” is used as it promotes the image of a congregation or group of like minded people working together for a cause... the betterment of mankind. It also makes this whole thing sound much more respectable and people are more likely to give money to a “church”.

Q. Why hasn't Andy and other level one's returned to planet 333 yet if it's so great?

A. They have selflessly chosen to remain here to spread the pirateology ideology, to drink and collect some more money from suckers. Trust us, it really is great though.

Q. I've read that you are promising eternal life.  That seems like a heap of bullshit. What is the story on that?

A. Well it is bullshit.  What we promise is "Almost Eternal Life".  When you finally get to Planet 333 and drink from the beer oceans something wonderful will happen that will prolong your life by a great deal.  Unfortunately we can't tell you any more until you reach higher levels in Pirateology. 

Q. Hey.... don't pirates drink rum?... Why does the leader of Pirateology drink beer?

A. Yes, it true that pirates drink rum but any type of grog is acceptable in modern Pirateology. The reason that Pirate Andy himself drinks mainly beer is that he needs a clear head to run this scam and rum makes him cranky.

Q. Why does pirateology need my money?

A. It doesn't really, Pirate Andy does. There ain't no oceans of beer here on earth so he has to buy it like everyone else.

Q. Wouldn't living on a planet with oceans of beer be a bit dangerous... what about the hangovers?

A. No, not at all. The pirates discovered long ago the secret to avoiding hangovers... just stay drunk.

Q. Are the mermaids really that hot?

A. Have you ever seen an ugly mermaid? Come on, get real idiot!

Q. This all sounds great for the male pirates but what about the girl pirates?

A. Well.... there are great shopping and entertainment districts.... as well as plenty of cool pirate dudes.

Q. This all seems like a rip off of The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster combined with a Scientology parody. Is it?

A. No

Q. Really?

A. Look, the COTFSM is a great organisation and there would appear to be some ideological similarities ( mainly the stuff Pirate Andy copied) and we both do have pirates... and a love for beer... and strippers.... BUT as with all organised religion the COTFSM has some flaws in fact that makes it just a little bit silly compared to the Church of Pirateology's intelligent and logical teachings. For example they claim that global warming is a result of declining pirate numbers when in fact there are more pirates now than ever... probably.

(The Church of Pirateology's official position on global warming is in front of the air-conditioner with an icy cold beer.)

Plus.. although it sounds cool... a beer volcano in heaven would mean that the beer was hot and flat like lava and therefore not drinkable... except to maybe the English. This is not meant to denigrate the COTFSM in any way. It's just that the Church of Pirateology doesn't believe in such fanciful things as “Heaven”.  We operate solely on facts such as the existence of a planet with oceans of beer.

As for Scientology comparisons.... It is simply a well known fact that pirates were here before Ron L. Hubbard and Tom Cruise.

Q. Is Tom Cruise crazy?

A. Yes

If you have any other questions about Pirateology that are not covered here then go to the contact page and if they're not too stupid they will be added to this page.